I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Randomize
