The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
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