so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
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