So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
Terrible. Enormous nipples with a small ring of boob on the outside. It looked like a tittie eclipse
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
