No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
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