happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
