is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
