Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
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