OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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