I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
This may sound mean but have u ever just sat in class and look at some of the the people and think how disappointed their parents must be
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
Randomize
