Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
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