Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
