i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Randomize
