can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
