Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
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