watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
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