So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize