I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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