Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
