just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
