..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
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