It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
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