when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
