i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
