Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
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