this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
