i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
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