Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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