My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
