If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
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