I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Randomize
