she woke up with a sticky ear
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
