Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
Don't be a dummy cum on the tummy. Make her a slut, and cum in her butt. Have no fear, jizz in her ear. Don't be a noob, cum on her boob. Forget her rack, blow on her back. Just take off your coat and jizz in her throat. And if she seals off her holes, cum in her rolls
is that a poem?!
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
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