i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
someone owes me an orgasm
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
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