It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
