I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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