What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
