real busy. everything is packed. thats why we ended up at the strip club
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Randomize
