He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
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