Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
