a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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