We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Randomize
