I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
