i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
