I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
Randomize
