I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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