There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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