You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
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