Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
