Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
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