I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Randomize
