GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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