oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
