im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
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