watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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