you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Randomize
