What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I fill condoms, not promises.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Randomize
