guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
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